During my Home Group time, the question asked was something along the line of, "What does it mean to surrender all and live righteously at work and at home?"
My answer for work was to work as if working for the Master, as quoted in Ephesians 6:5-7 (ESV):
"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eyeservice, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man".
When asked about what surrendering all meant for outside of work, that's when I made what seemed to this particular brother a MONUMENTAL and MAJOR mistake: I answered wrongly with the words, "Well, at home, I try to read my Bible and pray on a regular basis."Now (after having consulted another good friend of mine who is a Romans freak!), my answer isn't so incredibly wrong, as long as I know that reading my Bible and prayer is not in itself my sole source of my salvation (yes, I knew that). Unfortunately, my brother with whom I had a 1.5 hour heated, malicious, angry, frustrating, emotionally and mentally draining conversation afterwards over dinner and afterwards, well, let's just say, it got to a point that my salvation was questioned and I've been left with questions of returning to my Home Group or finding another. I spent a few minutes searching my church's homepage in an attempt to find another Home Group, I was so disturbed!
That night, I tried to explain (repeatedly, but unsuccessfully) that I was "working on and trying" to understand grace. However, every time I used the words "working" or "trying" or any verb in attempts to describe my attempts to learn more and understand grace, well, it was like attempting to put out a forest fire with gasoline! Needless to say, we haven't spoken since Thursday night.
I went home Thursday night, completely depleted emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Here was a brother (an apprentice of our Home Group!) who I thought loved me, who had just spent 1.5 hours furiously and vehemently telling me that grace wasn't something that should be worked toward (I knew and understood that!) or "tried" to be understood because then, it wouldn't be grace! (Yeah, duh!) I went to bed and had trouble sleeping. I was reminded of so many similar conversations I had had during my years with the International Church of Christ (a religious cult!) and the demeaning arguments and mindgames that they had plagued me with. I felt belittled, ashamed, dumber-than-dirt and unloved. Somehow, I fell asleep and awoke unrefreshed and with similar thoughts.
Friday was spent at work in an almost daze, with the same doubting cobwebs from the night before. I would've called my Home Group leader, but he had mentioned he had family in town and was in the process of moving, so I didn't want to disturb him with this. (I have emailed him that I needed to speak with him and have set up a phone call for Sunday afternoon!).
Thankfully, after consulting with my Romans friend, I feel somewhat better and very relieved (thank God for Chris H!). Chris told me that my answer was innocent and shouldn't have sparked such a flame. Now, I look forward to the phone call I have with my Home Group leader. Will I change Home Groups? I don't know but I do know a few more things:
*I won't allow myself to be placed in a similar situation as Thursday night.
*I will refrain from answering such questions dealing with my own faith re grace.
I have learned that it's okay to "work" through my faith, which, of course, includes grace. Will I ever completely understand grace? No, and I don't think anyone human has that capability either!
(Originally posted on www.myspace.com/jkirton2 Blog on October 28, 2006)
